25 Things I'd Rather Have as President Than Donald Trump
Note: This is a severely edited list
A bit of a disclaimer at the top. This is not a “Political” post. That’s not to say I never touch on political topics, but those moments are modestly sprinkled in between visiting Office Space filming locations, R-rated Haiku, and wondering what Austin luminaries look like they do for a living.
But sometimes I feel like I have no choice, and that I need to use whatever modest means I have here to convey thoughts and ideas into something cogent. Today is such a day.
While Joe Biden’s shitty debate performance last week certainly won’t win him any votes in the Orator Hall-of-Fame, it does strike me as a bit odd that the guy who was, on the surface, the better speaker that night has been given a get out of jail free card for shamelessly lying up and down the shaft of that debate—and that’s not even getting into the often startling substance of what he said, which ranged from comically preposterous to frighteningly dark, often repeating his own widely-debunked lies.
So, while some are in full “toss Joe under the bus for Democracy” mode, it’s important to remember that the alternative was a horrific president and is now one of the worst people in the world—a cruel, shameless, anti-Democratic, sociopathic felon who, in a rational nation, would get laughed off of any stage where he’s pretending to offer sane policy arguments.
But that’s not the United States in 2024.
Our voting public is often illogical, stunningly insular, and shockingly tribal, where anyone can seek and find a “news” source that feeds them whatever preposterous, patently false drivel they wish to gulp down. So when your Texas father-in-law regurgitates utterly shambolic things like “Putin is the good guy” and “Texas tax dollars should go to rich people to send their kids to private schools” and “Cybertrucks are cool” and “Trump won the 2020 election,” without a hint of irony, please don’t pretend to be shocked.
Which brings me to the theme of my report. I’ve compiled a list of 25 things that I’d rather have as President than Trump. And before you ask yourself if this is hyperbole, it’s not.
Here are all 25:
25. Steiner Ranch swinger party Jizz Rag.
24. Room temperature Peach White Claw poured down Joe Rogan’s ass crack.
23. Maroon 5’s full catalogue.
22. Moist taint lint soaked in Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
21. Dirty 6th bathroom urinal cake.
20. Fetid 103 degree Fiji water left inside a Westlake three-car garage.
19. Blue Bell Ice Cream.
18. Bad acid from a Texas State frat party.
17. Elon Musk’s bedside Fleshlight. (See above.)
16. Anything to do with Houston.
15. In-N-Out fries.
14. Dildo found in a Tarrytown recycling bin.
13. Circle C date night without Viagra.
12. I-35 rest stop glory hole.
11. Rushed $20 tuggy behind a Rainey Street tavern.
10. $18 pint of garbage ale at ABIA.
9. Cockroach infestation at favorite restaurant.
8. Jerry Jones’ mummified scrotum.
7. Tinder date with Cybertruck driver.
6. Gluten allergy that’s actually real.
5. Automatic flush toilet poop-plume.
4. 125-degree day.
3. Message board Aggies.
2. 25-year, $50 Billion over budget I-35 expansion.
1. Kirk Watson sex tape.
That was fun. Hopefully one of them will win.
Yes! Best list ever. I may have to get it embroidered on a couch throw pillow.
God this is so true.