What Austin Bigwigs LOOK Like They Do For a Living, Part IV (Actors)
What their jobs would be if we only go by their photo
Welcome to the next installment in my Substack series focusing on the vitally-important issue of what the Austin-area famous actually look like they do for a living. (We’ve previously covered Media Personalities, Athletes, and Politicians here, here, and here.)
We’ve arrived at what well could be the most fun category: Actors (or at least people who call themselves actors). Some are ascending, a few are legends, and others are arguably on a bit of a decline. But one thing is clear—the Austin area is a popular place for Hollywood types to chill in 2023.
So let’s get started on this little journey…ACTION!
James Van Der Beek: Westlake coke dealer. Worked for Thomas J. Henry until being disbarred in 2016 for attending a settlement conference wearing only a Speedo and Dashiki. Runs a Men’s Rights-themed Joe Rogan Facebook page, Joes Not Hoes.
Sandra Bullock: Helms Buda-based anti-vaxx think tank, Bloodstream Freedom Foundation. Wrote Foreword for Jordan Peterson’s 12 Rules for Life. Started dating Elon Musk after a Pemberton sex-gala. Owns a $17,000 marble bidet. Dabbles in witchcraft.
Glen Powell: Customer Retention Specialist at Austin Subaru. Starting QB and Homecoming King at Lake Travis High School in 2009. Life peaked in 2009. Spends 32 hours a week on Rainey Street. Regularly ghosts Tinder dates after excusing himself to take a call.
Devon Walker: Save Our Springs Alliance social media coordinator. Previously comms director at Beto O’Rourke for America. Has 7 spec rom-com screenplays that he spends 5 hours a day touching up. First chair baritone for Westwood High Band in 2015.
Matthew McConaughey: Liberty Hill Megachurch Pastor. Goes by Reverend Matt. Owns 11,500 sq ft mansion on Lake Travis, seven Teslas, and a private jet for “Missionary Work.” Romantically linked to Kendra Scott but insists that Jesus is his one true love.
Joe Rogan: Runs multi-level marketing company (Wood Power) in Dripping Springs selling Low-T gummies. Trying to launch his own vodka brand since 2014. On 5th marriage. Admin for a codpiece themed Subreddit under the username Daddy Ballz.
Emma Stone: Middle-Class Outreach Ambassador for Kendra Scott. Former Labradoodle Features Editor for TRIBEZA magazine. Serves on the board of 13 different local charitable foundations, but only knows what three of them actually do.
Robert Rodriguez: Runs a masturbation empowerment co-op in East Austin called Sweet Beats. Previously owned a tattoo parlor on The Drag, which was shuttered by the Austin Health Department after a hepatitis outbreak. Went on a body hair-free “pleasure pilgrimage” to São Paulo in 2019.
Jonathan Van Ness: 8th Grade Drama Instructor at Austin’s prestigious Ann Richards School. Teacher of the Year 2016-Present. Owner of a vegan Thai food truck, as well as three photo booths on West 6th Street.
Jamie-Lynn Sigler: Proprietor of Bee Cave pet massage and wellness retreat. Came in 4th Place in the 2007 Miss Texas pageant. Runs Etsy page selling Sarah Paulson-themed watercolor paintings. Owns 11 pairs of cowboy boots.
Sandra Bullock reminds me of the lead actress in a movie that I think was called The Bus that Couldn’t Slow Down.
Fantastic!!