The Most Annoying Christmas Songs in History, 2024 Edition

These are bad, y'all

Please, God, make it stop (Photo: Shutterstock)

While I am, in my heart, an optimist, the reality is that I like to explore the truly awful. It’s just more fun. And Christmas is no exception.

Most of us, at least casually, enjoy the season. Gifts, good food, less work, parties, the Texas Longhorns hosting a College Football Playoff game. A case can surely be made that mid-December to early January is a plus period.

A subtle yet important part of our holiday cheer is the music. It’s ubiquitous and inescapable. So it had better be, at a minimum, not horrible. Unfortunately, too much of it is, and I’m naming names right here and now.

With that said, here are the most annoying Christmas songs in history, 2024 edition.

The Christmas Shoes by NewSong: This painfully on-the-nose, nauseatingly sentimental dirge about a kid wanting to buy his dying mother some ugly shoes is in a category all its own. Begging for you to feel a certain way as it looks over your shoulder to make sure that you are, this all-time brutal one hit wonder deserves to be eviscerated with a blowtorch. “I want her to look beautiful if Mama meets Jesus tonight!” Well I have some bad news for you. SHE’S GOING TO HELL, JUNIOR, just like we do every time this song comes on. 10 additional points off for naming your shitty band NewSong.

Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney: When I hear this banal, pandering, seasonal earfuck, I yearn to travel back in time Terminator style to make good and goddamn sure that McCartney’s dad pulls out. Like, give me a 60-year-long Ringo Starr solo career full of unrelenting average instead of all-timers Hey Jude and Yesterday just to make this right.

All I Want For Christmas is You by Mariah Carey: Yes, this may be in my crosshairs because of how ubiquitous it is, but holy shit, y’all, THIS is the gold standard? It’s perfectly okay. A catchy, upbeat ditty with a talented singer laying it down. But when you’re the top Christmas song of the last 50 years, you need to be so much better. And it’s not, sorry—even if I kind of liked it in Love, Actually. A 6.5-7 song being treated like a 10. Nope.

Carol of The Bells: Various Assholes: There are a lot of things that I’m willing to feel during the holiday season, but soul-crushing, high-stakes stress isn’t one of them. So, let me tell you, this hell-spawned requiem freaks me the fuck out: with its unrelenting ascension of “DUH-DUH-DUH-DUHs” heading toward something that feels mildly apocalyptic rather than serving as a gentle harbinger for the birth of the savior of mankind, it’s just a massive “nope.” Immediately back away from me with this ridiculous shit. The fact that it’s also impossible to sing it might be a small silver lining, as it is a tough ask for carolers hell bent on ruining your evening.

Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer by Elmo & Patsy: A song about a bad thing happening to an ostensibly good person made by a musical act that proves good things happen to bad people. Setting aside the trash, campy musicianship for a moment, this is fundamentally a song about an elderly woman being left to die a cruel, painful death alone in the cold. Only unfeeling sociopaths could create, or enjoy, such a scathing indictment on humanity and the true spirit of Christmas.

“Same Old Lang Syne” by Dan Fogelberg: This cloying, emotionally manipulative tale of chatting up someone you broke up with (because they were likely an asshole) should get an instant and richly deserved “next” on any Christmas playlist. “We drank a toast to innocence, we drank a toast to now.” JFC. If you’ve been conned into thinking this preening imposter of a meaningful song is good, then you probably love Christmas Shoes, and richly deserve all of the pain you get.

Funky, Funky Xmas by New Kids On The Block: Admittedly, this one toes the line a bit between annoying as fuck and ironically fun, so it gives me no joy to include it on this list. But the simple fact is that it’s objectively cringy and atrocious song-craft and all associated with it should perish in a Wicker Man-esque sacrificial conflagration. I don’t make the rules, people. Still not on board? Here you go: “swear, we got ourselves a party here: Girls on the floor. Knows our posse at the door. Should I stop? Nah—cool, here's more. Of this song, a funky Christmas melody. Cause Jordan K feels so Christmas-y. Throw your hands in the air...pause. Kick the ballistics, Santa Claus.” That’s what I thought.

Yes, there are many others that deserved to be on this list. Let’s hear your favorite Christmas songs to hate, below in the comments.