100 Fundamental Austin Truths, Part I

If you know, you know. If you don't know, you're about to

She’s a beauty. (Photo: Steven Heap)

While this is a decidedly Austincentric account, I’m still well aware that many of y’all don’t live here.

So, it’s a good thing that my fair city carries some hefty credibility in the broader cultural zeitgeist, because I’m about to do a deeply Austiny series on some of the most basic and fundamental truths here.

If all you know about Austin are broad notions about the Longhorns, Barton Springs, BBQ, Zilker Park, Bats, and South Congress, strap in. This will be both fun and educational.

Here are the first 33 in this three-part series. Enjoy!

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100. Not waving after someone lets you merge turns you into a pariah and should be a criminal offense.

99. The only thing that can make a car go faster here is trying to pass them.

98. Elon Musk hates everything that’s ever made Austin cool and will never be your friend no matter how much you suck him off online.

97. The Westlake Football coach makes more than any teacher or principal in Texas.

96. The Domain can be fun if you try really hard, but do you really want to?

95. If you live in Austin and are taking a photo at the "i love you so much" wall, move the fuck over, that's for tourists, influencer dorks, and Realtors.

Dear locals: No.

94. Happiness is seeing someone going slowly in a toll lane with nothing in front of them and a huge line of cars behind them.

93. Yes, a million other people have taken that identical Lake Austin facing west from Mt. Bonnell photo.

92. West Campus used to be young dicks, but all that has changed. Now it's rich young dicks.

91. The size of a truck is usually inversely related to the size of the driver.

90. SXSW weather is like the free drugs a dealer gives you to try and get you hooked. Summer weather is shooting up shoeless in a gas station toilet stall.

89. Starting to slow down two miles before a left turn is a true art form.

88. If you see a robust storm heading toward you from the west, the Austin Rain Dome will soon transform it into a gentle, sidewalk moistening drizzle.

IYKYK.

87. Cedar Park is the Circle C of Pflugervilles.

86. The driver-less cars are terrible aka slightly better than actual drivers.

85. ACL was always better 10 years ago.

84. Austin somehow starts going downhill just after you move here.

83. The people who most want the homeless to disappear are the least likely to want to help them not be homeless.

82. If it's irritating, it's probably Austin's fault. If it's infuriating, it's probably the State of Texas' fault.

81. If you honk for more than two seconds you've lost the moral high ground.

80. If a riverbed is empty, just wait a few hours.

79. It’s too hot 75% of the time, too cold 24% of the time, and just right for two days in March.

Two birds with one stone.

78. If a 50-something couple ever smile at you in Steiner Ranch or Circle C, they're not being friendly, they want to fuck you.

77. This is the capital of cringy vanity plates, prepare yourself.

JFC (Photo: CityLocs)

76. You can find the worst person on your block by looking for the Cybertruck.

75. "Bless your heart" means "You're being a clueless dipshit."

74. Every two years the Texas Legislature meets for several months to try and totally fuck the state up, but their workplace is really cool.

73. It’s normal for the water to taste and smell like balls have been dipped in it, but you'll get used to it.

72. Humans intentionally wait in line for over two hours and pay $39/LB for brisket for "the experience" in a city that has 75 places that sell decent brisket for a fraction of the price.

Life is short. So, why? (Photo: Eater Austin)

71. If you swim in Town Lake you’ll be shitting blood within 36 hours.

70. A too-large segment of the population actually wants there to be an active Rainey Street Serial Killer, and it’s fucking bizarre.

69. If a place charges you for chips and salsa, leave. It isn't ever getting better.

68. The left lane is the slow lane. The middle is the slower lane. The right is the slowest lane.

67. If you have a green lawn in May, you might get an impressed nod. If you have a green lawn in August, you might be a sociopath.

Tune in soon for Part II!