What They Look Like They Do For a Living: Ken Paxton Impeachment Trial Edition

Here are the vocations of the Paxton trial heavyweights if we just go by their photo

My Substack is so good I don’t even need to use this banger of a pic. (Photo: Collin Co. Sheriff’s Office)

This week and beyond are some wild times in Austin, as suspended/Impeached Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton faces the music for a laundry list of alleged crimes and indiscretions that would make a 3rd World dictator blush.

Being on the cutting edge of both culture and politics, I’m uniquely situated to bring my keen insights to these historical proceedings. Accordingly, I’m giving y’all a list of what you’d think the key players in this impeachment trial did for a living if you only saw their picture.

Let’s gavel this process into action, shall we?

Ken Paxton: Denton chiropractor with a degree from the University of Bermuda Online. Started an underground kidney-trafficking pipeline out of his home office after losing his license for submitting bogus Medicaid claims for his 13 Labradoodles.

“Is the kidney you need for a child or an adult? Just kidding, I don’t care.” (Photo: Dallas Morning News)

Andrew Murr: Lead trombone and backup vocals for Buda-based Civil War reenactment-themed ska band Blue/Gray Mourning. Spends over $1,500/year on mustache pomade and writes it off as a business expense.

“No banjos allowed up in here, motherfucker.” (Photo: Texas Tribune)

Tony Buzbee: Runs the second most popular Ford truck dealership in Llano. Owns adult film star Peter North’s full library on both VHS and DVD. Just married wife #6 at WinStar Casino in southern Oklahoma.

“North NEVER needed a fluffer. Not ONCE.” (Photo: Texas Senate)

Rusty Hardin: Owner of the popular Texas nursing home franchise “Whispering Hills.” Helms a Roman-themed underground fight club in Garland where he’s known as Emperor Maximus Rex.

“Your mom looks perfect for a Bluebonnet Betty suite.” (Photo: Rusty Hardin)

Angela Paxton: Runs a Southlake nonprofit that fights against free school lunches. Once had a small role in Friday Night Lights but doesn’t want anyone to know about it because her character hit on Smash Williams.

“I was young and needed the money.” (Photo: Dallas Morning News)

Dan Patrick: Pastor at nondenominational Lakeway megachurch, “Grace, Inc.” Lake Travis football mega-booster. Eldest son’s middle name was Jesus, but it was legally changed to “Matthew” after one person pronounced it Jesús.

“It’s pronounced JEE-ZZ-UH-ZZ not HAY-SUESS. It’s not that hard.” (Photo: Dan Patrick)

Dick DeGuerin: Legendary Fredericksburg haberdasher. Owns five racehorses and a minority stake in Longfellow Ranch near Big Bend. Once killed a “Mouthy Sumbitch” in a Johnson City duel.

“Go ahead and try to knock this fucking hat off.” (Photo: Harry Cubluck)

Dade Phelan: Adjunct English Instructor at Austin Community College. Impressive 4.77/5 score on RateMyProfessors.com. Runs a popular Bed and Breakfast-themed Tinder Subreddit called One Night Sleeps. Appeared in Lands’ End Fall 2014 Catalog.

Lands’ End style never goes out of fashion. (Photo: Guiseppe Barranco)

Harriet O’Neill: Life Coach and self-help book author. Spent one week on the Amazon E-Book Best Seller List (#94) in 2018 with Gut Health Is No Game: You Always Get Out Exactly What You Put In.

“I always say Gut Health Is No Game: You Always Get Out Exactly What You Put In” (Photo: Harriet O’Neill

Dan Cogdell: Denton loan shark and online marketer for Alex Jones supplements. Spent two years at A&M before dropping out and leaving College Station to be around “people who don’t frighten me.”

“I’m not sunburned or embarrassed.” (Photo: Austin American-Statesman)

Nate Paul: Couples sex therapy hypnotist. Former drummer and backup singer for Waco-based Whitesnake wedding cover band “Wacosnake.” Owns 24 crossbows.

“Look deeply into my eyes. NOT THAT DEEPLY, GOOD GOD.” (Photo: Nate Paul)

Chris Hilton: Hog Auctioneer trainee in Brenham. Once dreamed of becoming a helicopter pilot but was scared off by a 6-week training course. Tells people that his nickname is “Smooth G,” but nobody has ever called him that.

“You can call me Smooth G. Everybody else does.” (Photo: Eric Gay)

Have a fun week, y’all. Fiat justitia ruat caelum.