What Texas Politicians Look Like They Do For A Living, Part II

Today, I finish the task

If you’re here because you dug Part I, please know I’m a big fan of sequels that are just as good as the originals. If you haven’t indulged in the previous entry, check it out here.

Let’s ride, y’all.

Rep. Ellen Troxclair: Award-winning second grade music teacher at a Southern Baptist parochial school in The Woodlands. Audits online taxidermy classes at Houston Christian University “to keep my options open.” Spends two weekends a month at swinger retreats with husband Don at Louisiana’s Margaritaville Resort. Actively Facebook stalks the woman who won Prom Queen over her 23 years ago.

“Tablecloth? Blouse? Both!” (Photo: Texas Tribune)

Rep. Oscar Longoria: Founder/CEO of “sustainable” San Antonio-area sandstone quarry, Borrowed Rock. Dabbles in crypto and suffered a massive loss recently after investing heavily in the Hawk Tuah memecoin. Volunteers as Prince Edgar the Vivacious at Boerne’s Renaissance-themed dinner theater, 1569, where he met his now wife, Lisa (Dora the Supple Milkmaiden).

“That Wahl Pro Series Beard Groomer was a huge score!” (Photo: Oscar Longoria)

Sen. Donna Campbell: Assistant Regional Manager for several Hill Country Great Clips. Substitute middle school teacher who was recently suspended for insisting students speak English in Spanish class. Spends four hours a day on Facebook Marketplace trying to root out undocumented immigrants. Dreams of one day owning a ferret farm.

“Ferret meat is twice as tasty as beef with 40% the fat.” (Photo: Donna Campbell)

Gov. Greg Abbott: VP of Marketing and Outreach for Tyler-based aerial feral hog hunting company, Beast Blasters, LLC. Served as Talent Acquisition Coordinator for the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders from 1987-1992. Anonymously runs two pro-JD Vance subreddits. In high school, won Most Likely to Marry Best Friend’s Wife.

“Do you like the red tie with white shirt and blue jacket, Mr. Yass, sir?” (Photo: Greg Abbott)

Rep. Vikki Goodwin: Helms Austin realty company, Curb Appeal, which guarantees no multi-family housing within a mile of all properties. Serves on 11 area boards/commissions, including the Austin Goldendoodle Rights Coalition and the Rosedale Hot Yoga Inclusion Foundation. Once had a blind date with former Austin Mayor, Will Wynn, who she called “freaky deaky” in her self-published 2017 memoir, Almost (Austin) Famous.

“Is the red on red too much?” (Photo: Wikipedia)

Rep. Brian Harrison: Co-Founder/President/Client of male enhancement company, Big Ed. Gives Men’s Rights talks at Lubbock-area middle and high schools. Has been indicted 27 times (including for Exotic Species Trafficking) with zero convictions. Claims to have a “totally hilarious, bro, I mean it” stand-up comedy routine that he plans to debut this summer at Laugh Hub City’s open mic night.

“What’s with all of these pronouns, amiright?” (Photo: Inside Texas Politics)

Sen. Borris Miles: Runs a Colleyville budget bed and breakfast called Sleep, Eat, Leave and is currently seeking investors for a fully functional petting zoo in Terminal C of DFW Airport by 2027. Once had a walk-on role in Season 2 of Dexter (FBI Agent #4). Met his wife, Dora, at a Yo La Tengo concert in 1993 and the band recently played their 30th wedding anniversary, YLT’s biggest gig in almost five years.

“YLT’s still got it, baby.” (Photo: Jill Karnicki)

Ag Commissioner Sid Miller: Both a Mayor and Sheriff in Archer County. A “traditional family” advocate, he has seven ex-wives spread across four different states. Once pulled over a driver because they were in a “fruity Subaru from Austin.” In November of 2024, added an new wrinkle to Texas’ Voter ID law by requiring everyone casting a ballot in his county to pledge their eternal fealty to Donald Trump (NOTE: the 5th Circuit recently upheld this rule as Constitutional).

“I’m a big believer in equality. For example, I love all seven of my ex-wives equally.” (Photo: Sid Miller)