What Austin Bigwigs LOOK Like They Do For a Living, Part III (Politicians)
What their jobs would be if we only go by their photo
Now we move on to Part III of this important series (Part I and Part II here and here), which examines what local pols appear to do for a living based solely on their photos.
James Talarico: New Principal at Bowie High School. Prefers to be called “Dr. Jim.” High-fives students in the hallways and is 100% sure they think he’s the coolest. Office door is always open if anyone ever needs to “rap.”
Zohaib “Zo” Qadri: Runs Dance Hall Daze, an Austin nonprofit dedicated to the preservation of Texas Honky-Tonks. Consultant on 9-1-1: Lone Star and co-chair of a weekly rescue dog meetup for vegans at Zilker Park.
Paige Ellis: Helms 13 different Austin-area foundations, including Goldendoodle Mama Hot Yoga, Rainey Street Chess Club, Lady Bird Rake (beautification group), and Circle C Naturist Allies for Biden.
Vanessa Fuentes: Luxury real estate agent in The Domain for her firm Vanessa Sells Austin, LLC. Serves as a COTA Board member, specializing in vending profit maximization. Early Kendra Scott partner but was bought out for $3,500 and free pendants in 2002.
Kirk Watson: Owner/CEO of the Hill Country’s largest RV dealer, Castles on Wheels. Member of the Blanco City Council since 1979. Spends $10,000 per year at Tommy Bahama and takes a yearly Arkansas fishing trip with Cowboys’ owner Jerry Jones.
Ellen Troxclair: Noted feminist erotica author and speaker. Board Member for The Kendra Scott Foundation, focused on providing pendants and necklaces to underprivileged women across Central Texas. 6 handicap golfer and Save Muny Treasurer.
José “Chito” Vela: Whataburger’s Senior VP for Texas-themed marketing and customer retention. Based in Chicago, lives in Tarrytown. Runs several anti In-N-Out Twitter burner accounts. Aspiring pitmaster but owns a gas grill. Only eats P. Terry’s.
Mackenzie Kelly: Co-owner of Puff of Smoke, a feminist Wiccan head shop on Dirty 6th. Former Texas Rollergirl “Cat Cha La8ter.” Runs Subreddit with over 60,000 members focused on catching the Rainey Street Ripper.
Natasha Harper-Madison: Recently left job at an architectural firm to pursue her passion project of building an Austin area co-ed Pickleball league. Volunteers at four local animal shelters and is currently fostering 17 dogs and cats.
Briscoe Cain: HR staffer at the Tesla Gigafactory since moving to Austin from San Francisco in 2022. Now owns 17 cowboy hats. Teaches Sunday School to try and hit on moms. Has Liked over 27,000 Elon Musk Tweets. Says “Hook Them!”
Carrie Isaac: Runs a crystal therapy Etsy store, Darla’s Energyworks. HOA Board member working to close a loophole that allows people to own pets besides birds and hamsters. Doesn’t read books but tries to get them banned at School Board meetings.
Erin Zwiener: In charge of Hays CISD’s Robotics Program, using skills she first refined with a 3rd place BattleBots finish in 2012 with her robot “Humongous Ben.” Sings in a Unitarian Church choir and plays Frisbee golf in her spare time.
Ken Paxton: Talk radio host for The Straight Dope, an anti-pot legalization show on KLBJ. Goes by “General Ron.” Owns three beach volleyball centers across Austin which ask (but don’t require) women to wear bikini bottoms. Boy Scout Den Leader. Runs underground Bumfighting league in Manor.
COMING SOON: What Austin Bigwigs LOOK Like They Do For a Living, Part IV (Entertainers)