The Shittiest Halloween Candies for 2023
The Shittiest Halloween Candies for 2023
No, it's not Spooky Miatas or Fentanyl Skittles
I fully accept and embrace the fact that I’m your go-to highway for terrible things. In fact, I take great pride in this responsibility and would have it no other way. So it’s natural that I’m here to offer advice on the absolute worst, most heinous Halloween treats going today. Sadly, razor blades are off the table, but there’s always 2024, right?
If y’all think I’ve missed any, hit me up in the comments, below.
Candy Corn: If Satan himself had been tasked with concocting an autumn goodie to repulse palates and eyeballs alike, Ted Cruz would have come up with Candy Corn. Neither candy nor corn, this grotesque “treat” is unfortunately too small to be thrown right back through the picture window of every taintlord who gives it out, but I’m happy to suggest a handy rock as a substitute for that purpose.
Neccos: Finding the psychopath in your neighborhood is usually an inexact science. Maybe they’re frequently burying things in their back yard, or asking women what size dress they wear, or driving a Cyber Truck. But if you want 100% certainty on this issue, simply look for the house giving out Neccos to kids on Halloween and proceed with extreme caution.
Dum Dums: Maybe a doctor’s office can get away with this cheap-ass, second rate bullshit, but not your house on Halloween. You’re honestly going to look a child in the eye and then hand them some minor-league Tootise Pop? It would honestly be more efficient to simply put a huge neon sign up on your home that says, “EGG MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW, PLEASE.”
Tootsie Roll: A freaky early 90s dance? Yes, acceptable. A 2023 treat for kids on Halloween or any other time? Get the fuck out of here. Handing out something that tastes like fermented taint and costs $0.03 per unit is both cruel and unusual and if you do this you’re going to Hell and/or Pflugerville when you die. Do better, please. Do much better.
Mary Jane: Just fuck off. The End.
Candy Necklace: While the handing out Fentanyl to kids on Halloween thing was a weird, panicky hoax that millions of people swallowed hook, line, and sinker, if I were a parent of trick-or-treating tots, I would think long and hard about picking Fentanyl over a Candy Necklace if my child had to get one in their bag. Okay, maybe I wouldn’t think long and hard at all.
Werther’s Original: These are trick-or-treating kids with their whole magical lives ahead of them, not 80-year-olds riding out their golden years in an eldercare facility. Please treat them accordingly. Just because CVS had these tasteless hell-drops 25% off doesn’t give you license to inflict them on the innocent children of your neighborhood, you miserly sociopath.
Circus Peanuts: Circuses? A bit cruel and outdated. Peanuts? Pretty goddamn good. Circus Peanuts? Disgusting, hell-spawned garbage food. Maybe you’re trying to be ironic by handing these out on Halloween. Maybe I’m being ironic by slashing your tires after you do so. Is this really a game that you want to play? Note: The last kid who ate one of these had his stomach explode.
Peanut Butter Kisses: These are better known as “the neglected shit left over at the bottom of the trick or treat bag that you throw away in mid-November.” Even stoners won’t stoop to consume these tooth-eviscerating shit-chews. Please be better than this.
Toothbrush: While the motivations may be pure, the execution is despicable. This is like handing out Bibles at a swinger party. Unless you’re a dentist, don’t fucking do this. And if you are a dentist, don’t fucking do this—you’re shutting the door on a bunch of future cavities for fillings (Read: $$$) so you can feel temporarily noble. Don’t.
🤣🎃👏