The Most Overrated Things in Austin, Part I
This gives me no joy, but it sort of does
While the haters might toss out something like, for example, Evil MoPac, the real ones know that there are a number of more prominent things that Austin places on a lofty, unearned pedestal for no discernible reason.
And I’m here to go over several of them with you. I know this will rankle some of y’all, but I’m in the enlightenment—not validation—business.
The El Arroyo Sign: Under different circumstances, I’d applaud this prominent and highly-profitable sandwich board on W. 5th Street. Its daily witticisms can be clever and/or relevant. But a quick peek behind the curtain reveals that almost all of its content is simply lifting someone else’s content/joke verbatim and holding it out as their own. (They take submissions now, which should help a bit, but the quality control seems suspect.) No, this isn’t a grievous offense in 2024, but when so many people presume there’s an El Arroyo creative team that came up with that banger rather than, say, a Reddit rando in 2017, it takes some of the shine off.
Voodoo Doughnuts: Look, I’m not here to make enemies, and that includes anyone associated with this Portland, Oregon doughnut chain. There are many in Austin who swear by it. But my analysis sometimes comes down to hype/price/payoff. So, in a big city with all kinds of delicious and less expensive spots for this pretty basic treat, Voodoo needs to be really fucking good to justify its lofty status. And this road thinks it falls short. (I’m hardly alone.) Taste may be subjective but paying $3.50 or more for one goddamn doughnut is objectively bizarre, even if it’s so quirky it has Captain Crunch on it.
The MoPac Express Lane: Shit just got real. Can an argument be made that this variable price road that opened in 2017 after massive but avoidable cost/time overruns can save a few minutes sometimes? Yes, that’s fair. But more often than not, the lane is uncrowded only when it’s at its cheapest. When higher numbers of people use it, things get more expensive. So, basically, the slower the express lane is going, the more expensive it is. This is some bizarre economics to put it politely, not to mention that everyone hates surge pricing. In addition, the minimum cost (read: when there’s no traffic in free lanes anyway) has swelled from $0.25 to $0.57 in just seven years, a 128% increase. Even in the context of COVID-era Austin “inflation,” that’s a total screw job. And I’m not even getting into fucked up TxTag billing. Gross.
Westlake: Cool mascot, good views, and semi-pro high school sports teams. That is my exhaustive list of positives for this biblically over-hyped village of wealthy intolerants and coke addicts. The soulless expanse with no semblance of charm or even a rudimentary town square seems to exist solely to thumb its perpetually upturned nose at Austin/churn out college and pro athletes. And it has earned all of the derision I send its way. Does this mean that many decent people don’t live in Westlake? No, but it’s a rebuttable presumption that you’re a materialistic taintgoblin who’d shell out $20,000 for your brat’s school parking space if you do. This Westlake diss thread still remains one of Twitter’s finest moments.
Muni Golf Course: Has there ever been something as otherworldly mediocre that has so effectively captured the hearts and minds of a certain segment of the population as the totally fine Lions municipal golf course near Tarrytown has? The Herculean efforts that have gone into saving it over the years would be inspiring had they been for, let’s say, affordable housing, or a pet shelter, or, really, anything cool and/or good for society—the very things that many supporters of Muny fear would pop up if it went away. (Like, how sweet is this mixed-use paradise that a 2009 UT study envisioned?) So, at its core, this isn’t really about Austin’s most okayest golf course in a really fantastic location. It’s about preserving “neighborhood character” *wink wink*. The “Save Muny” movement produces some of Austin’s most obvious NIMBY Porn.
The Most Overrated Things in Austin, Part II is coming soon!