The Most Disgusting Thanksgiving Side Dishes, Ranked
I'm truly trying to help y'all
Thanksgiving is about to happen again, and it’s my understanding that none of y’all will be consuming BMWs or Miatas like I do.
So with this sad fact in mind, I’m here with my hugely valuable ranking of the very worst dishes for your Turkey Day. Avoiding these might be impossible, but at least you’re coming in with open eyes. All y’all can (and should) thank me later.
Here we go…
7. Candied Yams: Candy? Good. Yams? Passable. Candied Yams? GTFO with that nonsense. The only thing stopping this ghoulishly awful foodstuff from being ranked higher is the fact that it has become relatively scarce at Thanksgiving dinner tables. The secret of its evil has been out for long enough where people in 2023 are like, “nah, we’re good.” I call that progress, but it’s time to finish the job.
6. Cranberry Sauce: This is like that asshole friend in your group that nobody has the guts to cut bait with. Fast forward to 8 PM on Thanksgiving, when dishes are being done. This is always the one where the original offering is still 95% intact. Why? Because nobody without a burning U.T.I. is dabbling in a Jello concoction starring the 78th best fruit—one that’s mined from something called a bog. Stop this madness. Please.
5. Ambrosia Salad: While this one was inexplicably popular in the 1960s, when things like TV dinners were beloved fare, the reality is that there’s no good reason to ingest this joke of a dish in 2023. Nostalgia isn’t enough when you’re taking otherwise delightful fruits and bathing them in some odd, inedible jizz-sauce. Yes, Grandma might have served this, but every generation is supposed to be better than the ones before them. End the nightmare now.
4. Stuffing: While there might be a legitimate reason to employ this starchy mess as far as to making your Turkey cook better, once that’s accomplished it should go directly into your trash can. Desert dry, yet somehow still disarmingly moist (and totally devoid of either taste or nutrition), this bland side dish is the stuff of dystopian movies. Treat it as such while you still can.
3. Corn Pudding: Americans are having an increasingly difficult time agreeing on basic facts. So here’s my hope that our proud people can band together on one inescapable truth: corn pudding is a culinary abomination that’s so bad the 8th Amendment’s bans on cruel and unusual punishment should prevent it from being served in prisons. We’re better than that, aren’t we?
2. Butternut Squash Soup: The only relevant question here is whether or not you hate your family and/or friends enough to serve something that looks better coming out than going in and tastes suspiciously like goat piss mated with unsweetened applesauce. Well, do you?
1. Vegan Turkey: I want to be 100% clear here that choosing this as my champion is no knock on the vegan lifestyle. I don’t give a piss if y’all choose to make your eating life miserable. That’s your deal. (Although maybe talk about it 99% less.) But a vegan turkey is a bridge too far. Where plant-based burgers have reached a point in 2023 where they’re passable, largely due to all of the fixings that can be used to mask the real taste, turkey has not reached that point yet. This is some truly bland, awful tasting shit and if you insist on serving it, at least have the human decency to also have real turkey available.
Did I miss anything? If so, let me know, below.
I will agree with 4 if we’re talking about boxed garbage that is rehydrated with heat. That’s solidly on this list. There are some damn tasty stuffings to be had, though. Spot on for the rest of the list!
Sorry Evil. I still like 6,4, and 2. Funny post though.