My 7 Vital Pieces of Advice For All New Austinites From California

Some survival shit right here, courtesy of your bud Evil MoPac

Yeah, it’s NEVER again going to be like those magical 3 days you spent at SXSW with zero a care and 79 degree weather. Sorry

While many people like to cast me as some sort of villain, the honest truth is that I have a deep and abiding love of and empathy for human beings. Why else would I enjoy spending so much quality time with them?

So it hurts my heart a bit when I’m accused of having it out for Californians who decide to pursue their dreams in Austin. Yes, some may point to my 7+ years of brutally eviscerating this group on social media, but what happened to a healthy respect for tough love? Apparently it’s gone the way of a polite wave after a merge. Sad.

Anyway, actions speak louder than words, but I’m still going to use words right now to demonstrate unequivocally that I am, in fact, a loving god by offering sage advice for every Austin newcomers from The Golden State. This should not only help assimilate all y’all into being Austinites, but might also prompt you to finally unblock me on Twitter. One can dream.

So here we go. Fail to heed my advice at your peril, nerds.

Guess all y’all skipped these videos, huh?

Remove All California-Themed Vehicle Markers: Look, we know you’re proud of your UCLA Poli Sci degree that left you with zero debt due to your trust fund footing the bill. You’re a true academic stalwart of some note! But maybe two different Bruins bumper stickers and California plates after living in Tarrytown for 18 months is a bit thick. Grab yourself a trusty Waterloo Records and/or Book People sticker and jam it right over those others. That was your old life. This is your new one. You’ll up your chances of being able to change lanes with a blinker on from 18% to 27% just like that. You’re welcome, new friend!