Ken Paxton's Community Service: Six Modest Proposals

Since jail is off the table for KP, we work with what we've got

“I’m just happy to serve the people of Texas."

In a move roughly as shocking as sweltering August heat in Texas, Attorney General and professional criminal Defendant Ken Paxton has again sidestepped justice by walking away with a relative slap on the wrist in his Federal Securities Fraud trial.

There will be plenty of think pieces that ruminate on the unfairness of I’m Just Ken’s latest triumph in eluding accountability—his ability to fall upward while breaking laws on the regular is pretty goddamn amazing—so I’ll avoid that and take a different tact by focusing on the grueling 100 hours of community service Paxton now faces.

Just another day at the office for Ken Paxton.

My supple, devious mind swims at all of the exciting possibilities here, but I’ll whittle things down here to the six most just and/or apropos forms of community service for K-Pax to get the most bang for his buck.

Here we go:

1. I-35 Cleanup Crew: It’s not just the horrific interstate that Paxton uses to flee Austin (and other things) for Collin County, it’s a brutally ugly and trash pocked wasteland where terrible things happen and the basest depths of human nature are revealed. On second thought, he might actually like this one.

2. Porn Fluffer: It’s an honest day’s work for someone always looking for ways to help close friends behind the scenes. On paper, Paxton rubbing people the right way might rub some people the wrong way, but it’s rock solid work that, if done correctly, can inspire others to stand tall and be their best in a way that KP himself has struggled so badly to do himself.

On paper, Paxton rubbing people the right way might rub some the wrong way, but it’s rock solid work that, if done correctly, can inspire others to stand tall and be their best in a way that KP himself has struggled so badly to do himself.

Magic.

3. Granite Countertop Installer: Yeah, maybe this is insider pablum for Paxton Impeachment Nerds, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not dead solid perfect. Having to work normal hours, in Austin, using elbow grease, at a fixed location, with the only payoff being a modest check at the end of a week would be a rude version of Hell for Kenny. No kickbacks. No special favors. Having to humbly ask to use the bathroom. This one is fucking incredible.

4. Swinger Party Concierge: The fact that this would almost certainly cause Paxton to be jealous of the participants is just gravy. The real value in forcing him to staff the fishbowl full of keys would be the crystal-clear message it sends on the inherent value of marital fidelity. Scared straight tactics have been a huge hit for young offenders over the years, so why not try the same thing with one over 60? The fact that the 5th Circuit might step in and rule this to be Cruel and Unusual Punishment under the 8th Amendment is a risk worth taking.

Swing and a home run.

5. Multi-Level Marketing Chief: Although this one lacks the rehabilitative heft of the others, it makes up for it by being so dead solid perfect. Kenny P getting to spend all day, every day lying to gullible people about basic facts using ridiculous promises that he’ll never be able to deliver on is some true pig in slop shit. He’ll almost certainly want to stay on the job after the 100-hour sentence expires.

6. Impeachment Prosecutor: If the goal here is pure retribution—and I’m so fucking here for that—then this one more than fits the bill. Letting Paxton work his balls off gathering quality evidence that totally proves something only to have a cartoonish villain and his greasy henchmen lawyers wriggle off the hook of justice with the fix 100% in with the “jury” would be so devilishly fitting it would make me emotionally turgid.