Austin's Top 4 Swinger Hoods

This is about as scientific as a photoshopped Bigfoot at a Whataburger, but work with me here

Look, maybe opening this today to read about which Austin areas lean into mass sex events wasn’t on your Bingo card, but here we are. This odd, much speculated upon behavior is, as a floor, at least somewhat fascinating to the uninitiated, so it’s natural to wonder where this strange sexytime is happening.

While this isn’t scientific, I’m still going to give you my educated guesses about where the local hotbeds of swinging are, while letting you ultimately decide if you want to turn away or embrace my analysis.

From L to R: Stacy, Ted, Ted, Stacy

So, with that in mind, here are my picks for Austin’s Top 4 Swinger Hoods:

Circle C: Yeah, seeing it on this list is about as shocking as a rush hour traffic shitstorm on I-35, but the somewhat buttoned-up hood in far SW Austin has long been the subject of swinger rumors involving upside down pineapples in HEB carts and sweaty, back-patio trysts involving middle managers named Ted and Stacy. The HOA doesn’t have a Swinger Surcharge (yet), but trust me on this one, a lot of shenanigans are happening in The C behind closed garage doors and fresh new backyard fences.

Tarrytown: It may be a place where wealthy dicks who moved to Austin in 2019 love to tear down homes with a modicum of character to build sterile, neo-modern monoliths, but I promise that Tarrytown offers so much more.

Tarrytown likes to project itself as classy, but it’s really just Circle C with a trust fund.

Like, for example, wealthy dicks who moved to Austin in 2019 who love to hook up with other couples in a smelly, awkward night of hot tub writhing and splashing. Tarrytown likes to project itself as classy, but it’s really just Circle C with a trust fund.

Westlake: Yes, the parties may look a bit different than those taking place in other, less wealthy areas of Austin, but curated infidelity is very much a natural for emotionally icy Westlake. One word of warning, however, for any normie planning to crash one of these soirees: definitely watch Eyes Wide Shut to prepare yourself for potential logistical issues associated with such a gambit. You’ll most definitely thank me later.

Steiner Ranch: Every list like this one has a gimme on it, and Steiner Ranch is the one.

While some of the hype is no doubt due to my account leaning into the trope, there is no doubt that Steiner is a scorching hotbed of swinger activity. I welcome all y’all with personal (intimate?) knowledge of The GOAT Central Texas Swinging Hood to dish that info in the comments, below. It’s even cooler if it’s actually true.