A Texas Winter Storm HEB Panic Shopping Expose: What TF is Wrong With Y'all?
This includes a fun look at some of the horrible shit y'all DIDN'T panic buy
EDITOR’S NOTE: This is an “Under Construction With Evil MoPac” classic, which originally ran in early 2024. But it seems appropriate given Austin’s Winter Storm Warning and the current state of HEB. Plus, it’s probably new to you since most of my subscribers have joined since it first ran. Enjoy!
All y’all who follow me on social media are familiar with a meaty trope I lean into relating to Austin folks ravaging local HEBs at the first sign of unusual weather, especially in the Winter. While most of this is done with a wink, it is sometimes dead on accurate.
Central Texas is experiencing a fairly robust polar plunge right now, which will include very cold weather and likely ice accumulation over the next few days, (which could have Austin roads looking like a county fair bumper car ride).
Are y’all screwed? Destined to be harvesting bathwater to flush toilets, and clinging to a rich relative with a Tesla Power Wall? The short answer is no.
In an Evil MoPac Substack exclusive, CBS Austin Meteorologist Avery Tomasco has some steadying words about today into early next week: “Back in February 2021, every piece of data we had was screaming worst-case-scenario and full-blown disaster days ahead of time. Here we are on final approach to a cold snap with some ice thrown in, and none of that concern for severe impacts to life & property is here, at all. Sure, bridges and overpasses will get icy, and no one should be trying to outsmart mother nature in that department, but it's important to take a step back and realize that this is something that happens almost every winter in Austin.”
Said another way, nobody needs to be panic buying crates of TP or filling a garage fridge with 20 gallons of milk for what’s about to hit us.
But I know y’all, so I went to HEB to get some perspective on some of the curious, panicky shopping behaviors many of you have. And it was interesting to see both what’s being raided and, much more fun, the odd and terrible things that remain (gasp) fully stocked. This is best approached in a photo essay style format, so enjoy!
To start, here are some additional photos of y’all being weird hoarders for a non-disaster event, including empty spaces where carts and a bunch of 100% non-essential things that would have never, ever run out should have been:
Now, with that out of the way, it’s time to turn to the fun shit: the things so marginal, so mid, so awful that even Austin panic-buyers left their displays fully stocked this weekend.
Have no fear! There’s still a hefty stock of Spicy Red Pepper Roasted Seaweed, thank Gaia!
If you’re one of the tens of people on Earth with a yen for Sugar-Free Werther’s candy, well, partner, this is your lucky day.
If a Cream of Coconut exotic spread or Aloe-infused sock float your boat, get on over to HEB while supplies last!
Is today a foot-peeling kind of day? Then there’s still time to raid HEB to grab AT LEAST two Foot Peeling Packs, if you follow me, lol. Don’t be the last person in your hot yoga class with unpeeled feet.
HEB’s Creepy Goddamn Doll supply is still robust. Yikes.
Being left high and dry without an Exfoliating Body Glove can be a lonely, scary place. Go grab a bunch and put your mind at ease.
Some version of Hell is leaving your household without a laundry-scented, cruelty-free pet candle, whatever the fuck that is.
“Honey, we’re out of sustainably farmed frozen Mussel Meat. Can you make a quick HEB run to grab a case or two before the freezing rain starts?”
The HEB Island of Misfit Toys can be a bountiful place if your standards have plunged like the temperature.
Sometimes you just gotta have that Clam Juice, especially if the Mussel Meat is sold out.
If your life’s goal is to never have a solid shit again, then a probiotic coconut water run should be high on your list.
Anything here float your boat? Mango Ice Cream? Tofu Crumbles? Chili Mango bites? Dystopian-themed energy drinks? Step right up?
Steiner Ranch/Circle C Party Masks? Available.
And, finally, your canned meat supply can still be bountiful!
Good luck to everyone this weekend. May your power stay on, stomach remain full, or, for a special few, Facebook Marketplace be fruitful down the road in April when you try to unload those 500 rolls of TP, you selfish prick.
No ham girth? I’m heartbroken.
Leaving for heb need anything?