50-Year-Old Austin Guy Starter Pack
What are the essentials for this key demographic?
Austin has a number of interesting subgroups (recently expanded with the emergence of the hateful Cybertruck Bro). But there’s one that’s holding strong which is as bland as it is predictable: the ~ 50-year-old Austin dude.
Increased disposable income mating with a reliable midlife crisis can be a fascinating watch, whether it’s happening in a darkened Steiner Ranch Steakhouse booth or behind the wheel of an F-250 with a perpetually pristine truck bed.
So here’s my 50-year-old Austin guy starter pack. Quantities are limited even if the subgroup needing it is bulging.
IPA Beer: It’s one thing to tolerate a brew that tastes oddly like hoppy lighter fluid poured down a pro wrestler’s ass crack, but it’s another thing entirely to willingly shell out $12 a pint for it. And, let me tell you, this is like water or oxygen for the 50-year-old Austin guy. And it’s often not enough to simply ingest it themselves—they yearn to spread it like a glitzy televangelist shilling some shitty prosperity gospel.
Salt and Pepper Beard: Long gone are the days when beards here were only sported by artists and/or hipsters and/or generally interesting folk. In 2024 Austin, a Shady Hollow accountant and father of three from Michigan is just as likely to have a well-manicured face bush as Bob Schneider is. These are notably unsettling times, but here we are.
Pickup Truck: Have these literal motherfuckers ever actually hauled anything with their F-150? Uh, no, unless you count a few bags of mulch from Lowe’s for their Circle C yard every April. But don’t let a virgin truck bed give you the wrong idea. These bros deeply love their trucks, and that very truck’s size is often inversely related to that of the driver (e.g., the Little Guy, Big Truck phenomenon.) Yeah, maybe they were living in San Jose two years ago, but that doesn’t mean they haven’t always been a Texan at heart. [Insert sarcastic, derisive laughter here.]
Obsession With Yeti: I know they’re local and brand supporter of my favorite MLS soccer team, but is there anything in human history more overrated than Yeti coolers? They’re the Franklin BBQ of keeping things cold and require a goddamn loan department for some of their higher end models. But having a cookout in Northwest Hills without a pricey Yeti keeping all those Electric Jellyfish IPAs and ranch Waters cold? Get the fuck out of here, says Jeff!
Big Green Egg: This one is a bit more niche, but if you know, you know. Kevin is turning 50 in two weeks, and he made sure that Stacey knows that adding a $1,200 Big Green Egg smoker to his back deck is an absolute must. Will he ever learn to use it correctly? WHO THE FUCK CARES? HE’S GOT A BIG GREEN EGG! Add a fancy Arcacia Hardwood Table and you’re in business, partner.
50-Year-Old-Austin Guy Shirt: I don’t even know what the technical name for this garment is, but it’s most definitely a thing here, whether it’s 45 degrees or 105. It’s a tamer, more dignified version of the jazzier Ed Hardy shirt of the 2000s, but the consumer is roughly the same. It says, “Hey, I’m a 50-year-old Austin guy who snatched this nondescript, monotone, tumble dry bad boy from Nordstrom Rack for only $49.” There’s nothing at all wrong with these garments, but they’re as much a uniform as those worn by the military or the Longhorns.
I know there are many more of these, so hook me up in the comments. Pictures are even better!