While I’ve been very critical of A.I. when it comes to driver-less cars, its job-killing downside, and the possibility of murder-droids gaining sentience and deciding to end the human race, one thing that I’m fully embracing is A.I. photos. Not to replace real artists, obviously, but to make funny, on-demand content for things like this Substack. I can live with that limited use.
So with this in mind, I headed to the electronic pastures of Bing A.I. (that even sounds ridiculous) to come up with a peek at how several iconic Austin things will look in 10 years. Be warned: there’s an icy accuracy to these that will make you recoil.
Barton Springs: Long Austin’s crown jewel, 2033 finds the iconic, spring-fed swimming hole looking, shall we say, a bit different. Upside: the now-balmy bathwater is no longer a nut-shrinking 68 degrees.
Chili’s at 45th and Lamar: Bigger but still iconic, with the soul-crushing, monolithic high-rises right out of the Killers’ Hot Fuss record cover framing it. Chef’s kiss. Upside: still offers the burger, fries, drink, and chips deal for $69.99.
Lake Austin from Mt. Bonnell: The city’s most iconic vista has been reduced to a grim, overpopulated eyesore in one of the more depressing entries in this collection. Upside: 100,000 people are no longer posting the same IG photo every year.
Franklin BBQ Line: Love it, hate it, or simply stand in fascination that human beings will wait in line for something that you can find pretty much anywhere in the city for 25% cheaper, this iconic line is “a thing.” Now imagine it 5 times longer and more dystopian. Enjoy! Upside: you’re being saved from paying $60/pound of brisket.
i love you so much Sign: Truly chilling. Upside: The South Congress Jo’s line is a lot shorter in 2033, so your $11 coffee won’t take as long to score.
Q2 Stadium: While whether or not Austin FC will have an MLS title by 2033 is an open question, what’s clearer, per A.I., is that The Domain area is on target to soon be a grim urban wasteland. Upside: private stadium helicopter service is now available.
Austin Downtown Skyline @ I-35: While pretty rough, I still think this could be the least bleak of the lot, with a larger, more clogged version of the world’s worst highway bisecting modern buildings. Upside: serious fap material for traffic lovers.
Town Lake: This portends some sort of real-world impact of 115-degree drought summers on the Highland Lakes’ ability to channel water downstream to Austin. Upside: makes those high-rise condos more affordable.
ACL Fest: While the infinite phone cameras and the horrifyingly large crowd are both chilling, I tend to think of the porta potty situation as the bleakest. Upside: last chance to see the Chili Peppers (Jk/Lol).
Hopefully, all y’all aren’t too freaked out, because none of the people about to move to Austin who saw this are deterred in the least!