100 Fundamental Austin Truths, Part II
The fun continues with the second installment of this trilogy
Let’s skip the foreplay like a Westlake couple on anniversary night and get right to Part II of my three-part series on the fundamental truths of 2025 Austin. (Part I can be found here.)
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66. The first three seconds after every green light is a "Chill, bro, I’m finishing my IG post" zone.
65. The airport sometimes smells like a moist band aid left on a pool deck and is staffed like a German Jazz club.
64. Blinker guilt exists, causing some of y’all to put it on briefly after you've already changed lanes.
63. No Camry has ever gone above 64 MPH in the fast lane.
62. The Central Austin Liberalism line is usually drawn at new multi-family housing within a mile of where they live.
61. You’re expected to tip for things bought at counters, and the options are often 25%, 30%, and 35%.
60. The breakfast tacos in Austin are better than in Dallas but not as good as in San Antonio.
59. We call shitty, overpriced convenience stores “Bodegas” in some zip codes to feel better about paying $7 for a Topo Chico.
58. At any given moment at rush hour you might be traveling faster in a MoPac free lane than in a MoPac toll lane.
57. Whole Foods is the last place in Austin you'll find a smile.
56. If a car is going 10 under then you know they're drunk, texting, over 75, live in Northwest Hills, or some combination of the four.
55. People install devices that make their trucks expel more exhaust because their classmates were mean to them in high school back in 2004.
54. Pulling out in front of people and causing them to slam on their brakes before you then drive five under the speed limit is high art.
53. Austinites get enraged when they see people texting while driving, then immediately post about it while driving.
52. If someone from Austin talks shit about Austin, it's probably correct. If someone not from Austin talks shit about Austin, they're a nosy twatwaffle.
51. There's a really good chance the Congress Avenue Bridge bats are going to show up at dusk unless you’re there waiting to see them.
50. We have a lot of swingers here and if you add them all up, they're roughly as hot as one normal person.
49. Beloved bowling alleys, bars, and restaurants eventually turn into goldendoodle day spas and hot yoga gyms*.
48. *But the Over/Under on the last time you actually visited that place you're crying about closing is 7.5 years ago.
47. People who don’t drive insist that we don't need roads or parking. People who don't ride bikes insist we don't need bike lanes or trails.
46. Austin folks love voting unless it's on a Saturday and then they give zero fucks.
45. Dogs are gleefully allowed everywhere humans are; it's not weird, it's just how things are.
44. The chances that your band is good are low, but the chances that it still helps you get laid are high.
Travis Heights actually thinks it's edgy.
McConaughey probably hates Austin now and rarely ventures east of MoPac.
41. Bougie-ass $3.50 mini donuts don't just exist, they sell out by 10 AM.
40. Seeing "bespoke, craft, or artisan" just means you're about to be charged 30% more for the same fucking thing.
39. I-35 isn't so much a road as a state of mind and that state of mind is being totally dead inside for the next hour or so.
38. Never smoke Austin weed that was bought from someone without a last name you know.
37. Look for decimals on your menu. If it doesn't have them, you'd better be wealthy or be there with rich friends.
36. If you get invited to a swinger party, it's no swinger party you want to be invited to.
35. It may be The Live Music Capital of the World, but don't be surprised if almost every club tries to get you inside with a carnival barker bro pitching dollar-off Lone Star tall boys.
34. If a place charges you for chips and salsa, walk the fuck out.
Part III is coming soon!
I bet that duck breast at jeff's is gas tho
Where is the dog picture from? (note: i've been gone from here for 20 years, you're welcome)